The right to exist

Did I do something wrong?
Did I… do something wrong? Did I?
… I did… right?

They left me. People… they… left me.
No. I‘m withdrawing before it can even start.
But why? Why am I doing that? Am I afraid?
Afraid of what? Afraid of being lynched?
Afraid of being driven away?
Afraid of losing myself? Afraid to… die?
Am I afraid? Yes… Yes, I am. I am scared.

I do not want to connect to anyone! Why should I want that? Tell me. Why should I want that? I‘m not allowed to take space in the slightest! I was never allowed to do so. So, why should I want that? I will never open up to anyone anymore! Never! NEVER!!! Leave me in peace! Get away already!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!! Why am I even here? Why should I continue living?! Does anyone even bother? Would you even be sad, when I‘m gone?? … … …

Am I… even allowed to say that? … Should I be ashamed now? … No! … *Breathing out* Why am I here?!

Why should I connect to others?! They tell me they want to connect, but in truth, they don‘t… They hate what I represent… I am their darkest nightmares. I am what no one wants to see. I am ugly, a cripple, … Just like he said back then… Maybe he was right… Maybe I should die, as he said…

Con-nection… What is that? Does that even exist? What does it mean to connect? Am I even… able to do so? Connecting… What a strange word… Am I even worth to connect to others? To even exist next to others?

Was I a mistake? Was I? … Yeah… I was. Why else did they abandon me back then? They… who seemingly birthed me. They who abused me.

Connection… means dying. Connection means blackmailing. Connection means lying and betraying. Connection means suffering. Connection means being imprisoned and controlled. Connection means being at the mercy of the other.

I am tired… Tired of fighting for compassion and love. Yeah… That‘s it… Now I know: Connection is fighting. Fighting for the right to exist. Fighting for the right to inhabit the space. Fighting for attention and being heard out. Fighting for the right to speak. Fighting for the right to be.

So of course then I do not want to connect. I won‘t allow anyone to drive me out of a space, just because I am a nuisance to them. But… They tend to win and win others over too, until I am all alone once more. They successfully got rid of me…

… so why am I still living? Why shouldn‘t I die?!

I need connection to survive, but… No… I won‘t fight anymore for something I have the right. But connection means fighting… So I won‘t connect no more…

Then I… I should probably leave… leave this world behind. Probably. Yeah… probably.

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