A message to a dear past friend

Mamoru… Where are you? Why did you go? What happened? Why did you reject me without explaining it to me? You told my cousin, I would have clung too much and that you couldn’t handle the way I was or maybe how I still am.

Thinking of you, I feel safe, imagining being in your arms, knowing though that you wouldn’t want to embrace me like that. Am I abusing you when I am doing that nonetheless? Mamoru… I need you… so much. I need your protection, your understanding, and your confidence, your faithfulness. Knowing you said that you are straight, I still can’t let go. And… you left me 10 years ago… 10 years have passed, and I am still clinging to you, wishing that you were here… with me. Mamoru… Mamoru… MAMORU… help me… help me… I don’t know how to live in this cold, cold world… I felt like you were the only one who understood me back then, as we were children… And yes… You weren’t always kind to me… You were cold from time to time as well, and you didn’t like real closeness. That was too vulnerable for you. You wanted to be “cool”. Remember when we had sex together as children? I didn’t want sex in itself. I just wanted to feel your naked body underneath mine. Not only that, but I wanted to fuse with you in a way. I wanted to feel protected by you in that way. I wish that you would have been my twin brother, even though you are 2 – 3 years younger than me. I wish that you would have protected me from all of what happened to me. Mamoru… You know… I was in hell… And I couldn’t get out. And when you were here, I wished you could take me out of it, although I couldn’t even tell you that I was in hell. I don’t know anymore why I was unable to communicate that… I don’t know… What happened? I know that we were really different. I loved everything that touched my heart, everything that is heart-warming. And you… Well, it was about being cool and about fitting into this world, we call our own…
We couldn’t connect through our hearts very often… sadly. In a way, you were there for me nonetheless. You accepted me with my handicap. Maybe you were unable to understand my pain… But you accepted me.

There is so much inside of me what needs to be said to you, but I don’t know how to put it into words.

I… I miss you… But you clearly don’t want any contact with me anymore… A part of me cannot understand why that changed all of a sudden, only because I wanted to be closer to you. I know… there happened more… I… I wrote your friend how I feel about you, and you felt betrayed. I don’t know for sure… Me being gay was a huge problem for your family, right? … It makes me so sad, but I understand this topic is very delicate to you.

Mamoru… It hurts not having you around… I feel so lonely and unsafe without you. I don’t know how to live my life. I feel so broken and vulnerable… It hurts… It just hurts… Mamoru…

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